All because I opened my stupid mouth..

Josh is going to bed upset with me..

Sigh

That is all.

Failing to see the good in things..

I am sad to announce that yet another promise has been broken.

The promise being that this would be the best Christmas ever.

Joshua will not be home for Christmas. (For = on, in my mind.. he says he will be home for Christmas, just not on Christmas.)

I know I should be grateful that he gets to come home at all, but my Christmas is ruined. I also know that it's only ruined if I let it be. But this is the second time I have had something ripped out from under me, and this time I just cannot find the positive side.

He will not be able to come home until the week after Christmas, more than likely.. which means.. I will be back at school and have had no time to relax and enjoy his being home.

As I told him, I would suggest he come home before Christmas, but I want him to be home for New Years. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

Happy Birthday to Me

Today was my 19th birthday, and I couldn't really care less.

I was not excited about my birthday this year. I do not know if it was the fact that Josh is not here, or what.

I'm not the only one that didn't care either.

I received ZERO cards in the mail, which is a first. I did however get something I had bought off eBay, so that was nice. I got two cards this year.. I'm not really complaining, but it kinda makes me feel like crap.

Lots of people wished me happy birthday on Facebook though. Some even added in that they hoped I had an amazing day, or something along those lines. I posted a picture.. ---------------------------------------------------->>>

and well, my facade worked. Lunch wasn't all that great, I should have thought of a pedicure sooner.. That would have been better. Yes I got free dessert, which is why I wanted to go out to lunch in the first place.. not because I am fat or greedy but because I had never gotten free dessert on my birthday.

Anyway, today was just another day to me. Nothing special happened. I got criticized for doing my hair and make up, for no reason other than wanting to look nice on my birthday. My boyfriend didn't even verbally wish me a happy birthday. (Which may be because the previous day when talking about something else I had said I wanted him to post nice, cute, romantic, whatever stuff on my wall. So.. that's what he did.)

Sigh, today was just a major let down. I wish someone would have thrown me a surprise party.

Everything is Going to be Alright

This morning, only about an hour ago (now three), there was a huge blow out between, you guessed it, Josh and I.

I have signed out of Skype (and will not sign on until a later date). After signing out I grabbed my iPod and headed out the door.

Here is the soundtrack to my walk, and the reason I know everything will be alright.

1. Live Your Life
2. Changing
3. No Love
4. Sail
5. Life is Beautiful
6. Pictures of You
7. Wonderwall
8. Safety Dance
9. Snow (Hey Oh)

(Posted below in order, for your enjoyment, and further understanding.)

These songs walked me though the situation that we are currently going through, and mimicked a Terra card reading that I got last week.

Love and Hate

Where to start? Today has been rough.

I totally woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. First thing, I turn on my laptop and become "online" on Skype. This is actually great because it lets Josh know I'm up and he can then say good morning.. but no. Today he decided to be "funny" and say HAY GURL. I'm pretty sure he addressed me the same way yesterday morning, but today it just rubbed me the wrong way. Everything went down hill from there.

I've never really been a morning person, and my family has learned not to fuck with me first thing in the morning.. Josh, unfortunately, has not.

I love Josh just the way he is, but I just cannot handle him from half way around the world. He drives me absolutely crazy sometimes.

After a short break of talking to him, he sent me a link to a video that actually made me laugh. That did the trick of getting me out of my bad mood, but then I had to leave.. All was fine and dandy until I got sick. I'll leave out the details, but lets just say I am drained. Physically and emotionally.


Til next time, any tips on long distance relationships?

Mixed Emotions

Hello there. So today I have experienced some mixed emotions about a few things, one in particular that I wish to talk about here.

New Beetle vs Old Beetle

Alright, it is not really a versus situation, but whatever. My mixed emotions have to deal with my 1968 baby blue Volkswagen bug. It was my first car, and I absolutely adore it and pretty much every other old bug out there. I just think the old bugs are so much cooler than the new ones. (I am almost ashamed that I own a new beetle. D: )

Anyway, the point is, or the issue rather, is that I don't know if it is time to just let her go, or hold on and save up to fix her up. Volkswagens are German engineered cars, and I could very well be living in Germany in a little over a year. (Cheap parts is what I'm thinking, though that may not necessarily be true.) I just don't know what to do :(   I know that my baby needs quite a bit of work done; at the very least she needs new seals, everywhere! She could also use a shiny new coat of paint. (Some spendy sh*t right there.)

Money issues aside, what gets me the most is my dad's opinion on the matter. He doesn't understand why I don't just sell it. Hmm, lets see here.. Why doesn't he sell one of this, uh, THREE vehicles that do not drive/he does not drive?! Yeah, so back up off me about mine.

Sigh. I just don't know what to do. I actually cried at the thought of selling my bug.

Uhg. I can't write this right now. It is doing me no good. Perhaps I will finish this another time.. If not, well at least you now have a sense of one of the things plaguing me.

Until next time, ..I don't know.

Positive vs Negative

I can be a very positive person, and also a very negative person. It pretty much boils down to what my mood is, and the subject at hand.

I am very sensitive when it comes to my relationship with my boyfriend. We met toward the end of our sophomore year in high school, and shortly after meeting started going out. We were together for almost a year when everything fell apart, and blah blah, until we got back together about halfway through our senior year. We have now been together for just shy of a year and a half. After high school he joined the air force, and it has been the hardest thing I've ever gone through.

I had started community college before he left for basic, so I kept busy and time went by rather fast. I flew down to Texas for his graduation, and he surprised me by coming home for Christmas. After his tech school he came home, before going to Turkey. FOR 15 MONTHS.

There is so much that I could say, but I wouldn't know where to start.

I have my heart set on marriage, and if I could have had it my way, I would not be sitting here on my bed in Tacoma freaking Washington writing the blog post right now. Ever since the summer started, life has been.. BLAH! I was planning a trip to Turkey, but that got cancelled, and all my positivity seemed to have gone with it. But, as it turns out, nobody likes a negative Nancy, including Josh, so I have to get my butt in gear and become more positive.. forever.

I have found positive things to think about and look forward to, but the smallest thing can set me off track. D: (As I said before, I am very sensitive when it comes to my relationship.)

Missing Joshua is my biggest issue, and not only because of the fact that he is not here but also that we live two separate lives.. Anyway, so with missing Josh, I was really looking forward to going to Turkey to see him.. now combine that with the timeline I want (I want to get married next summer, therefore need a proposal before that.) and the fact that I am no longer going, I am left with this list of positives and negatives, or pros and cons, as you will.

Negatives:

• I now have to wait three months longer than I had hoped to see him.
• I don't get to go to Turkey.
• I got a passport for nothing.
• Did I mention I don't get to see him?

Positives:

• I get to see him for Christmas.
• I don't have to suffer through the hot Turkish weather.
• I'll already have my passport for when I'll need it.
• If, and he better, he proposes while he is home, we can have engagement pictures taken, where as if he proposed while I were in Turkey, that would not be possible.
• He will have more money for a ring.
• We can celebrate our engagement with our families.
• Did I mention I get to see him for Christmas?

So as you can see, I have managed to make the positives list longer than the negatives, but the circumstances that led on to this change still bring me down.

There is much more that I could share my positive/negative outlook on, but I will not bore you with everything at once.

Til next time, think positive!